Twas Two Months Before Christmas…

Watching: The CollegeHumor Show

Listening To: Rage Against The Machine – Killing In The Name of (FUCK YOU X FACTOR)

Quote: “Watching Matilda. Its kind of like Carrie for kids.Perfect Christmas viewing.” — Simon Pegg

Twas’ two months before Christmas, and all through the town,

The shops were all stirring, as my face showed a frown.

The sale signs were hung in shop windows with care,

In hopes that the shoppers soon would be there.

People rattling present lists off of their heads,

While hoping for warmth and a nice night in bed.

And me in my costume, looking like a bell end,

Had just started celebrating Halloween weekend.

When up in the sky, there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the pub to see what was the matter.

Away to red square I flew like a flash,

Tore past all the tools, flashing their cash

The moon on the top of the new carousel,

As all the commotion began to raise hell.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a tall scary man, and he struck me with fear.

With long white beard, he descended so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles the crowds they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“What the fuck’s going on!? Its only Halloween!

I’ve got something to say, I don’t care if its mean!

I’m sick of this shit, it’s not even November

I’ve got two more months off, cant ye wait till December!?

Year after year, Christmas starts so early

You can hold off till late November surely.

I’m still on my holidays, can’t you respect that?

I’m an old man, I’m big and I’m fat!

I need time to get ready, and presents to find

You just don’t seem to get, are you people blind!?

Christmas is a time for good will and cheer,

And it should only come but once every year.

The shops and business insist on making it last two months,

Taking parents, shoppers and children for chumps.

It makes me feel sad in my big jolly belly,

The Coca-Cola trucks aren’t even on the telly!”

Tears swelled up in his twinkling eyes,

As he looked straight at me, took me by surprise.

“Young man”, he said, “you may look like a tool

But surely you agree with this stubborn old fool?”

I pondered his argument, and responded as such:

“You make a fair point boy, I’ll give ya that much,

It pisses me off when they start in October,

With ads and decorations the whole town over!”

He gave me a smile, then ruffled my hair,

Booming his voice, he announced to the square,

“Things have to change, and you know that they should

If you don’t wait a while, I’ll stay home for good.”


He turned to the crowd, and waited for a response

They turned towards Santa, and all spoke at once.

“You make a good point, we don’t want you gone,

We’ll wait till the Late Late Toy Show from now on”

His face sprang a smile, to us all gave a whistle,

And away Santa flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

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